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Hello! Im Steph, 
(Complete noob to this)

Today I decided I needed a journal mainly to talk about my eating disorder and daily thoughts, because the inside of my head is just too much.
My life always feels like I'm hanging on, and I want to read other peoples experiences and maybe that will help.

So... My experience?... ha, Yeah, so I have ten years of eating disorders- on and off- every two months almost .
JOY. I know I'm relapsing now.
Why am I relapsing? Well for two months I dealt with everything fine, I'm almost in the british army and I've trained loads in the recent months and been focused on becoming healthy.. but with that training I have gained weight, muscle, and fat..

What spiralled it was yesterday at work (I work at a casino where I have to wear a dress and it's very image focused) one of my colleagues who was Indian looked me up and down in my dress and asked me if I had gained weight..
Kind of like 'Steph, you look bigger.. have you gained!?' - 
I know he didn't mean it nastily and I just answered him like normal, but then I had to leave the gaming floor to cry because I've suppressed these emotions for so long.. I punched a few walls in the staff toilets when no one was in then had to carry on the shift with a bruised hand under the tray I hold drinks on haha.

So today I've given up on eating. Again. 

In just a week I'm on holiday with my family and dog and we're going back to the holiday cottage that I was a stone and a half lighter in this time last year. That's going to sting.

This will be my last holiday before I join the army. If the army knew anything about my ED I wouldn't be allowed in, and i'm kind of worried that this will be the last time I take the starving really seriously. It feels like the last straw now. I've been through this too many times and now I'm the weight I am I'm not stopping until I'm rake thin.

I cant believe how fat I've got. 

My worst fear, or anyone's worst fear with a eating disorder is having someone spot it out, or say it.
And he did just that.
It's official I'm fat. 

Really sad. 


stephanie wilkinson

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November 2012

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